


Drowning

by lapisdot



Series: Lapidot Oneshots [7]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, BUT I LOVE THEM, Comfort, F/F, Fluff, I promise, PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sort Of, because it isnt realistic, but i wanted to make it fluffier since ive made a few angsty fics /written a few drafts for em, i tried not to make this one of those fics where 'love' solves all ur mental health issues, i tried to make this somewhat accurate but if anything is off PLEASE let me know, lapidot - Freeform, theyre in love, this is sorta sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-07-29 15:10:36
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16266755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lapisdot/pseuds/lapisdot
Summary: Things aren't always easy for Lapis, and when they aren't, Peridot tries her hardest to make things okay again.





	Drowning

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this idea popped into my head a while ago and im only just writing it for some reason  
> although i did a tiny bit of research, i just wanted to say that this fic is loosely based around what i know about PTSD and some of the recurring signs, if you will, that i saw on the videos. obviously, PTSD is different for everyone depending on what happened and who you are. i do not mean to offend anyone in any way, and i would not be offended if you told me i made a mistake anywhere, as of course, i am lucky enough to have never experienced anything to this extent  
> while this fic is not necessarily graphic, if abusive relationships or rape or PTSD are tough subjects for you please take care.  
> stay safe, all kudos & comments are greatly appreciated along with constructive criticism  
> ♥
> 
> ps. i'm so sorry this is kind of short, i've had this collecting dust in my drafts section for some time & i tried to add more, plus i wrote the majority of this with my 'm' key being broken, so it took like forever LOL, thankfully i have a new keyboard now tho!!!!! and school is out for a week, meaning that i should have plenty of time to write :-)

She wasn't too sure when it started. All she knew is that she couldn't wait for it to _stop_. It was unbearable - she was drowning in her own thoughts, it was inescapable, and all she could do was submit herself to the terrible thoughts and flashbacks. Peridot had been gone for almost 4 hours, she had to attend to something at her tech store and had sent Lapis a message saying 'sorry, it's hectic here. Will be back soon' but the words in the text meant nothing to her, because 'soon' was apparently not almost 2 hours afterwards. Because Lapis didn't want to be a burden she simply replied with 'Ok, see you soon' when really she wanted to call Peridot and cry, begging for her to come home and even though it was completely illogical for her to crave attention from someone so boisterous and sometimes annoyingly loud when she was feeling so fragile, anything was better than silence. There wasn't anything which triggered it. Sometimes Lapis just woke up and she wasn't okay. But usually, Peridot was there. Peridot was lucky, she partly owned a major tech store and mostly worked from home. She earned enough to live in a large apartment comfortably with Lapis, who worked sometimes at a quaint coffee shop but spent most of her time competitively swimming, or just putting up with everyday life. The fact that Peridot worked so hard while Lapis worked barely had made her feel guilty more than a few times, she should be living on the streets, not in an expensive, cushy apartment. Peridot had always been awkward. She was amazing at her job, she used all those fancy, big words which made Lapis' head swim and spoke to customers with confidence. However, she wasn't good at comforting people, but she was good at making Lapis feel at home, which was much better than someone, like her friend Pearl, who would give advice which was good but didn't really _help_. Peridot was soothing enough by being herself, without putting on some facade and telling her 'she was fine', because Lapis _wasn't_ , and Peridot understood that.

Peridot knew some things were not to be spoken about with Lapis unless she specifically said she wanted to. Lapis grew up in an abusive household and thought she deserved what happened to her. As soon as she was old enough, her parents kicked her out where she net a girl called Jasper. Jasper was something of a  pimp and Lapis was her favourite. Jasper was abusive at times too, especially when Lapis refused to sleep with men for money. Lapis lost her virginity to some guy whose face she'd never even seen, despite the fact she grew up with hopes in her heart that she would give it to someone who was 'the one'. Lapis' experiences haunted her - it was lucky if she got through the day without thinking of what they did to her while she was vulnerable and ultimately powerless. Despite the fact that Lapis never consented, these men, and sometimes women, somehow thought that because someone said she was theirs for the night, that they could do whatever they wanted. Those few months, close to a year, were the worst of Lapis' entire life. She wouldn't wish any of that on anyone, not even her worst enemy. Since meeting Peridot, she learned what it was to be loved, and she never wanted to give that feeling up: not for _anything._

Lapis felt trapped. Her body was telling her she was safe, while her mind was telling her she needed to escape before they came back for her. She sat on their bed, still, her breathing erratic. When she heard footsteps, all Lapis could do was scream and tell Jasper to leave her alone _because she didn't want it. She never wanted it_. She told herself Peridot would never come back, she'd leave Lapis here, where Lapis would eventually die, due to her pathetic feelings, and then Peridot would find someone better, someone healthy, who could be loved and reciprocate that love fully. 

"Lapis? Lapis!" A voice which Lapis had associated with safety shouted, their tone shaky and worried. Peridot stood in the doorframe of their bedroom, her hair even more so dishevelled than it usually would be, eyes panicked. Lapis stared blankly. She wanted to move, but if she did, she was so afraid this would all be a dream and she'd be exactly back where she was before, under Jasper's control entirely.

"Lapis. It's me, Peridot. You're at home, in our bedroom. It's really me, you don't have to be scared." Peridot whispered softly and despite the soft tone, the words shook Lapis back into reality vigorously. Peridot realised Lapis didn't feel like talking, which was usual when she was in these states.

"Lapis, can I hold your hand?" Peridot said, slightly louder than before. Lapis replied with a gentle nod of her head, and Peridot slowly grabbed Lapis' dainty fingers and intertwined then with her pale ones. 

"Do you want to talk about what happened? I'm so sorry I was so late, some clods at work held me back, oh god, Lapis, you should've called." Peridot sighed, wiping Lapis' fading blue hair out of her eyes, it was no longer clinging to the wetness of her cheeks, and Peridot could see the sadness in Lapis' eyes.

"Later." Lapis gulped, her deep brown eyes studying Peridot's freckled hands as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

"Okay. Later. Later's good." Peridot mumbled, mostly to herself, but the pure bashfulness in her tone was enough to make Lapis feel comforted.

"Keep talking," Lapis whispered after a few moments of silence. Silence was filled with uncertainty, danger and like she wasn't worth enough to be spoken to.

"Um, okay, what about?" Peridot said.

"Anything." Lapis moved her head to rest it on Peridot's knee.

"Uhh, okay. So. Despite the fact I was home so late, there's really great news. The company is going to be working with other major ones, and we're going to get some sort of major sponsorship deal. In time for Christmas, too, which is totally going to up sales. That means I can give the employees a Christmas bonus, which is really cool. Oh, and Sadie said that we're welcome to join her and her new boyfriend, Lars, to ice skating if you're up to it." Peridot rambled, trying not to move too vigorously because of her excitement in fear of knocking Lapis' head off. 

"We don't have to go, if you don't want to, though," Peridot added, knowing sometimes Lapis was slightly intimidated by Peridot's friends, since she had absolutely no idea about technology, and a lot of them _were_ quite nerdy, and often judgemental, despite not voicing it directly.

Peridot worriedly took a glance at her girlfriend, realising during her huge rant she wasn't paying much attention. She noticed then, Lapis' was softly sleeping, her cheeks still streaked with tears, illuminated by the dim light shining through their bedroom window. Peridot shifted Lapis and placed her head on top of one of their pillows, pulling the duvet around her small form. Peridot realised, then, that she didn't have to be wise and a fantastic advisor to help Lapis. She just had to be there. And no matter what, she would never tire of Lapis, or leave her for someone who hasn't been hurt in the ways which she has. Because even though Peridot can't, and never could, fix Lapis' problems - she could be the plaster or Band-Aid which slowly, but surely, ensures the wound will begin to heal over, even if it's bound to leave a scar.

 

 


End file.
